Epiphany

Today I have the task of putting together a nutrition lesson for parents at a preschool. To accomplish this I've turned to Ellyn Satter, child feeder extraordinaire, to guide my lesson plan. As I'm reading along I come across a passage that has just totally blown my mind.

Here it is: "Those parents...spoiled eating for their children by being controlling. The messages to the children? To have your parents around, you have to let them control you; in order to do it your own way, you have to get away from your parents."

This is so important because it explains why children sneak food; it explains why I sneaked food when I was a kid. It's not just that I felt I wasn't going to get enough- it was because I wanted to do it my way. Observing and understanding my behavior alows me to trust and accept myself. I hope who ever is reading this may be inspired to objectively look at their own eating behavior and attitudes and move forward as well.

Finals Update

Oh God! I just finished my first final and now I'm getting ready for my second. It's 4:44 and macronutrients is at 6. I've got to get this off my chest though. Sorry Linda, if you end up reading this but that final was awful! It was like an endurance event. Plus, I hate it when teachers say one thing and then do something else. In the syllabus it said the final was going to be short answer and essay. Nope, not at all the case. Sure there was short answer, but there was also multiple choice, True/False, fill in the blank, and matching. Plus, for the fill in the blank there was no word bank and definitely no indication of what that word was supposed to be. It's like I had to read my teacher's mind to figure it out. I just felt tricked that's all. I study in different ways depending on the type of exam. If I think I'm going to have to draw metabolic functions, I practice. If I think I'm going to need to recall vocabulary, I make memory cards and play games to memorize them. But if I think that I need application knowledge and that I'm going to be writing essays and short answer, then I fill out the study guide and try to use that info in case studies. Thank goodness I had enough sense to write out flash cards just in case. It's too bad that I totally blanked on process of change. It's a like of 10 vocab words that I had to match to their definition. Unfortunately, my powerpoint slides had the definitions covered up. I could have scowled through the text, but by the time I figured out I needed it, it was too late. Yuck yuck yuck. That test just left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm sure I missed most of those matching questions and another 3 pointer. ERG! That puts me at a B already. I hope my ungraded projects turn out okay. Well, nothing I can do about it now but move on to the next one.
(This is called passive coping by the way. I'm coping with the emotions I have based on a situation. Active coping would be actually changing the problem, studying for the exam, time management, etc. Since the exam is over, this is all I can do- I think I should get extra credit for that)

Finals Week

Here it is, the day of my finals. I had a freak out attack 2 days ago just thinking about it. I have been in better shape this semester than in semesters past, but it all came down to the other night. I had my DI interview yesterday- that may have been a big part of it. I know that I am really stressed out when I can't remember the last time I was hungry. I have been eating, and eating, and eating, but I can't remember the last time I was hungry. I have not eaten til I was stuffed, but just until I was slightly sedated. Well, what can you do? At least I have a coping mechanism (passive as it is). Otherwise I would just fall apart at the seams. I know I'll be back on track in no time.

Coming up from the down and out

Wow- I was just about to give up completely on the eating without the TV thing, when Chris comes out of nowhere and gives me a helping hand. We were playing Gin Rummy when the timer for my enchilada lasagna went off. We stopped playing and I served myself. I was about to plop on the couch for some quality zoned-out eating in front of the National Geographic channel, when out of nowhere Chris says, "Hey we don't have to watch TV. How about some music instead?" My heart almost jumped out of my chest! So, he turned on some music and I sat down and tasted my first meal in days. He put me back on track. Thanks baby!!

Binge?

It could have been defined as a binge. Not because of the amount of food that I ate, but because of how and why I ate it. No amount of food could satisfy me. While I was eating one thing, I was thinking about eating another. I was plopped on the couch, feet on the table, balancing my food on my stomach. I was not eating for hunger, but for a hunger-like feeling in my chest and throat. I can only describe it as an anxiety or yearning for something more. At this time a small voice was reminding me that this behavior would end badly. It told me to get up and do something instead of lazing around the house. I felt a wave of guilt come over me and then I would swallow it down with another bite of bean salad, chocolate crunch, english muffin, mango, or grapes. I even told myself a few times that I would work out after class- so as not to worry about the amount of food.

This is a situation that used to be common. Now it only happens rarely in this severity, but I hope I can learn from it and avoid it in the future.

Stressful Day

I had quite a stressful day today. I woke up early, worked on my proposal for 4 hours, scrambled to do my homework in time, and hopped over to my FitU meeting. All of this was before 11am. I missed breakfast, I was starving for lunch- and I was so wacked out that I through a little hissy fit and ate lunch while watching The Biggest Loser. Ironic? Maybe. Well, I talked with Dawn, Buck, and Haylee today and I just feel pressured to complete my behavior change. Independent from the assignment, I want to eat dinner at the table- but most importantly, I want to want to. At this point I feel that the pros do not outweigh the cons. However, Linda's lecture today encouraged me to reframe my self talk. I talk to myself about NOT eating in front of the TV. That is a restrictive behavior. Instead, I need to say to myself that I want TO eat at the dinner table or on the patio. I still think that more often than not I am eating away from the TV.

A Winding Road

Boy, this is much harder than I initially anticipated. Not eating in front of the TV is a challenge for a couple reasons

1. I am conditioned to do it
2. I get pleasure from zoning out while I eat- it's relaxing, an immediate gain
3. The cons are less immediate (excess eating, less taste pleasure from food)
4. My environment is set up to make it easy
5. My social support is not discouraging, but also not encouraging

These are all major barriers. However, I am happy to say that my eating in front of the TV has reduced dramatically. Before I began this on the 18th, I was eating most of my meals at the TV. Now, it's mostly just dinners and a snack here or there. If I had noted for 4 weeks how many times I ate in front of the TV before Oct 18 and then noted it each time for 4 weeks after Oct 18, I am confident that after running a t-test on the data, there would be a statistically significant difference.

I have also found that I do not respond well to pressured change, whether it be internal or external pressure. In this case, it was both. I do not feel good about changing when I feel like I have to. Instead, I respond much better to the flexibility of change. I can compare this to Intuitive Eating. For instance, if there is a food that I particularly like but it is energy dense and micronutrient poor and I am not hungry, I say to myself, "I can have this whenever I want it. I can have it now and/or later. However, since I can have it whenever I want it, I see that I do not really want it now." It's a way of empowering myself to make good decisions as an adult. I can apply this same principle to my TV challenge. "I can eat and watch TV whenever I want. I can do it for the entire 4 weeks if I want to. However, since I know I can, I don't have to do it all the time." With this approach I have been able to naturally and slowly get used to change.